roller coaster

As this term nears completion I feel I am on the edge of approaching resolution on a number of issues that I have been working through this term. It seems in the program at AIB that we have our artist statement, bibliography, and residency summary due before I have completed all I intend to due for the residency. Or perhaps it is just my process of working up until the last moment possible. I do know that both this term and last I found that the “thought pieces” really pushed my work conceptually. Until they had been researched and written what I envisioned did not have a chance to become a physical part of my work. This seems to come late in the term but it’s possible that it is just all part of this process we are in.

I have been struggling with media and choices artists make regarding tools while creating their art. I have gone outside the box to try to express some of those issues in my family that are not talked about. These issues do not have words, nor are they looked at or acknowledged by anyone else in the family. I have been wondering why it is that I don’t know what this fear and anxiety in my family look like? I thought I should know as I have looked at it most my life, but then I realized my eyes haven’t really been open. Then last time I was home I experienced a moment of confrontation and stress. It was then I realized that I too did not look, within that tension my family members looked away. We stared at the wall, we stared at the ground, and only shadows crept into my peripheral vision. We did not see each other. I see this reflected in many of my photographs that include two or more people. We are all blind; we do not look into each other’s eyes.

All the while at the forefront of my thoughts where am I going conceptually and what is the most appropriate way for me to express it. I believe that I found my direction and yet I want to create more images to see it unfold, discover the details to be worked out and fine-tune my concept. This I know will be the most important question I need to ask myself in order to be ready for critiques in January.

During this time my sister Becca has been in and out of the hospital more times than I can ever remember, this year I have actually lost count. These hospitalizations affect everyone in our family; it is scary, it brings on fear and our anxiety of the unknown. As with anyone suicidal tendencies we all fear the worst possible outcome. For my family it becomes especially stressful during the holidays. I only hope when the hospital releases her after Thanksgiving that this time her meds will be working and she won’t be hearing voices, experience her manic highs and lows, or believe and act on her delusions. Time takes its toll on my parents who support her. I just don’t know how much more they can take.

As for me I wish for a life without chaos around each corner and to get off the roller coaster ride.